The Plight of the Single Father

Background: In the spring of 2010, after a season of slamming with Capital Slam, I had made it to the semi-finals and stood a chance at making it on the 2010 team. My philosophy in poetry competitions is that it is a karmic sport. It is not necessarily the best writer, the best reciter, the most theatrical performer, or the most insightful speaker who wins the slam.

There is so much talent in Ottawa, and realistically the judgement of performance poetry is so subjective and random from one show to another that you could say the points, and consequently the winners, are entirely meaningless. To an extent this is true, but I have noticed that peoples victories and the formation of teams in Ottawa, no matter how apparently random, seem to have a fateful twist.

It’s as if people won because it was their destiny, and they earned their place by being true to their spirit. Maybe this is too much of an esoteric point of view for some, but it has always helped me rationalize and put into context this sport we call slam poetry.

As the semi-finals of the 09-10 season approached, I knew I had to dig deep and write about something very important to me. As I probed my soul it became quickly obvious that I had to write something about my son. At first I wanted to write the poem that you will find below this introduction. I tried countless times to put my thoughts about the plight of being a single father into a poem, but it just never felt right. As time passed I realized I was approaching it all wrong.

I was about to be faced with the largest audience I had ever performed in front of. If I didn`t make it to the finals, I might have only had two poems to share with all these people. I asked myself, given just one shot at sharing my soul with such a large crowd, what do I really want to tell them about being a father? In asking myself that question I found the inspiration to write my poem Angels Are Born. (You can see a video of me performing Angels Are Born on youtube.)

Angels has become one of my most popular and beloved pieces, and I will always recite it for my son. It gives me, and others too, a sense of hope. However, there is a dark and painful side to being a single father, and I realized as the team was selected (without me in it), more performances came and went, a mini-tour through B.C. was completed, and new poems were being written, I still hadn’t written the poem about my plight as a single father. I still had these dark burdensome feelings in me, and I started feeling like I was repressing them, trying to pretend I wasn’t suffering at all with my situation.

Catharsis kicked in, and lo and behold, its manifestation was this poem…

The Plight of the Single Father
by Loh El

I have a close friend
who knows I’m a poet
He told me recently he noticed
since the birth of my son
an improvement in my poetry

but what he may not know
is that the quality of what I write
is often proportional to my sorrow
you see, tomorrow

I will wake up alone
in a bed that once fit three:
my lady, our baby
and me

So this one is for all the single fathers
who have to hold back tears for years
because no child
should ever have to say goodbye
thinking they are the reason
why their father cries
for the fathers whose lives
have been authored for them
who have had to live up to a standard of men
that is below standard

We
are haggard and weary
of wearing the stereotype
of the abusive rolling stone
never came back home
fly-away father

sometimes nothing
could be farther
from the truth

So to you,
every hero amongst men
who devoted his life to his children
under a collapsed romance
and broken hearted burden
please know

I understand the way
each glance estranges you every day
the way friends and family suddenly
seem a million miles away
because they can’t possibly feel your pain
wrapped in the bandages
of your joy

Falling asleep
with my baby boy
on my chest
opening my eyes
to his smile…
those were the best
days of my life!

Mother to my child,

Do you really understand
what it is like
for a man to wake up
and not be able to kiss
his son good morning?

I am mourning
every sun rise
everytime I have said goodbye
I have looked into his eyes and realized
again and again
that he doesn’t understand
why I’m leaving,
that my heart
is breaking

that if I had known
what pain it would cause
to plant my heart
inside your womb
I would have plucked
my testicles from my body
and fed my heart to the moon
to prevent myself from ever living on
inside of you

You lecture me
about responsibility
when you are directly responsible
for diminishing my ability to respond
for breaking the bond
between father and baby
for taking my heart away from me
while it was still in your belly

Now
there is an empty cavity in my chest
like a barren uterus
it bears rotten fruit
sometimes I wish I could just
cut the spiritual umbilical cord
that attaches him to you
and grow breasts to feed him
so we could always be together

Mother to my child!
I am so sorry
we were so young and so naive
and all said and done
if it were all up to me
he would not even be alive
because I only wanted to be a father
with you by my side
but you left me no options
and believe me
I am grateful
I have no regrets
our child is beautiful
so stop those thoughts of adoption
and self-depreciation
lock away your doubts in me
and cease these meaningless lectures
I know, I’m a father
I’ve got this!

please
just trust me

My son,
I love you
and as you grow older
your mother and I
won’t reside
under the same roof
and you’ll grow up this way
so it may seem normal to you
but I’m your father
and damnit
I miss you
but this is nobody’s fault
especially not yours

You are the miraculous key
that has unlocked the doors
to my heart
now it bleeds for you
and out comes the stuff
that dreams are made of
so drink it up
before it’s gone
my son

and forgive me
for seeing clearly but too late
I never intended for it to be this way
never intended to see the day
I would be divorced from my first and only son

So this one
is for the fathers who didn’t
couldn’t and never will run
who regard all mothers as Queens
even when we are young and naive
even though I can’t always be near
to hear my child crying my name
I feel it right here: <3
just the same

So this one
is for my son
may you never
have to bear
this kind of pain

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